Thirties

If we don't live life the way we want to we will end up regretting it and resenting our parents. As a teenager, we feel passionate about our future and do what we can to fight for the things that we want. We dare to dream and know that if we focus, we can make it happen. Then when we approach our twenties, we focus on the present. We enjoy what is in front of us while we work towards building our future and remind ourselves that one day we will get to where we want to be. You don't really realize that soon enough, you are already twenty-nine. 

Then one day passes like any other day, but thirty hits you like getting pushed out of a moving vehicle. You look around and wonder how you got so far and comfort yourself with thoughts like "thirty is the new twenty" hoping that you can believe that. Unfortunately, as you put on a facade to make people around you believe that being thirty is the best, you can't help but feel discouraged that you have not reached your goal and is still waiting for the day where we will eventually get to where we want to be. Unfortunately this time, we feel stuck and unmotivated. The future feels like something of the past. We feel lost of focus and ambition and is comfortable with where we are and would rather stay suffering in our current situation then to explore something new because we are afraid of what the consequences are. In a way, we are just happy with what we are familiar with regardless if it is good or bad. 

This is what I have come to realize after watching the first episode of Ali Wong: Baby Cobra on Netflix. Her skit made me realize that I am sitting here in my thirties, trying to turn my life back around while realizing and regretting what I failed to accomplish in my twenties. 

Embrace the moment

It's nice to see a old familiar face. A old friend that knew who you were and can remind you of it. People come and go in our lives and sometimes it is hard to see them leave because you are not sure when you will get to see them again. 

So no matter how short a visit is, it is important to embrace the moment.

I am still who I was, just a more refined version of her. 

Time...

Don't make me wait
I won't stand still
Take me for granted
and you will regret it

Life is too precious
enjoy every moment
Joy is what matters
It is happening right now

Time is my name
I won't forget it
Enjoy every minute
or you will regret it

Sometimes its hard
But joy is still there

Money can't buy me
Machines can't make me
I am what I am
So all you can do is accept me

No moment last forever
We all must move on
It's time to create new memories
And look forward to what's beyond

The only person you should please is yourself...

Life can be exhausting. Achievement oftentimes requires approval. In order to accomplish any goal, you must have the approval of others or yourself, or else, it doesn't really feel like accomplishment. Among all this desire for approval, we loose ourselves into the mercy of others and forgetting about ourselves.

Why...

Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of life is. Why do we work so hard then have no time to spend with the people we love and care about at the end of the day. Then if we don't work, we lose a sense of self and meaning. It is difficult to find the balance between the two worlds. And now with a baby, it makes it even harder.

It funny how when you are earning money, there is nothing you want to buy. All you want is time so you can spend it as you wish. Then when you are not earning money, you seem to want everything and have so many things you want to get. Life is funny like that.

I guess at the end of the day the key is to live happily and have fun doing so. Like someone once told me, "life is too serious to take seriously."

Easy to Dream but So Hard to Do

For the past ten years, I have been dreaming of living a big life. Back then, I thought that I would be living very differently now. Little did I know, time just crept by without any notice. Three jobs later I am now a stay at home mom trying to figure out the next best thing. Sometimes it could be very discouraging looking back at how life was then and now and feeling like life is a parabola and I am living the path down.

Is there a way up?

Give Birth and REST

Two and a half months ago, I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl Aria. Giving birth is exhausting, no wonder they call it labor. For all the mothers out there, give yourself a pat on the back, unless someone has been through it, no one really can truly understand what you had been through and what you are going through now.

With my newborn in tow, I was excited yet sad to bring her home. I was excited about her and all the moments moving forward, but I was sad that I didn't have a proper place to take her home to. We were going back to an apartment that I had been wanting to move out of for over five years. It was not a place that gave me excitement when I came home. Instead, it was usually a place that give me moments of joy but usually followed by some anxiety and stress. Despite all that, I was happy to be back and anxious to move forward.

The Chinese tradition requires that new moms refrain from shower, eat lots of nutritious foods and get LOTS OF REST!! In the beginning, I planned to hop out of the hospital bed and resume my regular life. After giving birth, I felt all the pains and aches but being restless made me a little rebel against all the rules my mom tried to enforce for the new mom. Although I did my best to eat well and made sure I stayed away from showering to frequently to prevent getting sick, I failed to really rest. I was excited to start functioning like a family and since I saw my husband work so hard, I wanted to help him too. Little did I know, that rest was one of the most important factors moving forward.

Labor is hard, your body needs time to recover. In order to do so, you need to sleep and rest. The rest can wait. The work will still be there and no matter how much you get done now, there is always going to be more work. While the baby is still resting most of the time, have someone take charge of the housework and comforting the baby so you can rest when the baby does and regain your physical and mental sanity. It will be hard, but trust me, you will thank yourself for that after when the help is no longer available.

Now at two and a half months, I am angry and frustrated that I didn't take that opportunity when it was there. My husband has trouble balancing tasks and taking care of the baby. In some ways, his routines has not changed too much. I find myself, still with little opportunity to go to the bathroom or take a shower. I would either be so busy I would forget or be too tired.