I have always been seen as a diligent person who can be trusted in getting the work done. As a teacher, I overcame the preconceptions others had of me by getting my job done and gaining respect from the student. During my first year of teaching, people didn't expect me to survive life in the classroom in a intercity school with my timid looks and calm demeanor. While my peers thought I would be driven out by the students before my first year was over, I proved them wrong and taught for five years. That is until I was booted out by the administrators without warning because wouldn't grant me tenure.
Teaching was not a easy task. You have to face criticism everyday from parents, administrators, students, and yourself. Its a job that will keep you up at night and consume you. Many think that teaching is a great job with decent pay, a great schedule, and benefits. The truth is you spend every waking moment outside of the classroom prepping and grading, and your summers catching up in hopes that next year will be a little better than the last. I was determined to do well and guide by students to the type of success that the school wanted to see despite their lack of motivation. I withdrew myself from friends and family thinking that if I focused more I would do a better job.
When I first started teaching, I thought that I would do it for 2-3 years, pay off my loans then move on. Unfortunately, the longer I stayed, the harder it was for me to leave it. I was use the the lifestyle and with my mind fully consumed by the job, I couldn't decide what I wanted to do next. My life was no longer mine to live, it was owned by the DOE and I lost myself bit by bit. I didn't smile as much as I use to, my spirit was so low that I felt like I was dragging my heart around on the ground everywhere I went. A part of me was dying and I felt it.
Despite my efforts, the administrators had no problem in denying me tenure and discontinued my service. In order to support their actions, they defamed my character and fabricated reasons to give me a unsatisfactory rating at the end of the year. It was my word against theirs. When I went for my appeal hearing, the panelist wondered why I was even there. Everything in my filed supported the fact that I was a good teacher. But in the end, despite that evidence, their decision to discontinue me remains unchanged.
This event signified a major milestone in my life. I have dedicated 5 of my finest years to this job and poured my soul into the betterment of the school and without warning, they turned their backs on me. I was lost and confused. I was betrayed.
After two years since the occurrence, I have finally found the strength to talk about it. I am angry and frustrated at how I let all this time pass and still haven't been able to move on. My mind wanted to move on, but my heart wasn't ready and no matter what I did, I wasn't all there. I spent a lot of time blaming myself. As if stepping on dog poop, I thought that I could have avoided it if I was more cautious. But now that it has already happened, I felt like I was carrying around the stench no matter where I went. To me, I was ruined. I felt like it was the end of me.
People tell me that this is actually a blessing in disguise. If this didn't happen I would probably still have my life on hold and kept teaching even till today. I understood what they were trying to tell me, but no matter how much I tried to rationalized, I couldn't help but felt the way I did inside. No matter how hard I tried to move on, I felt stuck. It helped when people reminded me how messed up the situation was and that I am better off now, but I needed to hear it constantly for reassurance. I felt like I was living in a dream unsure of the difference between reality and fantasy.
The truth is, I needed some time to regain the self I was before it got sucked out of me. It wasn't a prefect seamless process, and even now I still have the scars. But slowly, I am regaining my old self and discovering another part of me. This process is easier said than done, and most people don't understand the demons that you are facing when you are feeling like this. Although it helps to have people around you to remind you of who you are, the main key to change is yourself. Are you willing to allow yourself to forgive.. forget... and move on? So remember, you are worth more than you think, and the moments that throws you off track does not define who you are and they are not worth holding on to.
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